How Do We Make Sex Ed a Comfortable Conversation
Schools can only do so much.
It’s strange to be a single man raising a teenage daughter. I feel like there’s a caution sign looming with every conversation, a warning that every word that comes out of my mouth carries a weight and responsibility unique to a parent with sole custody. Even more peculiar is the relationship between father and daughter, separate from what a daughter would share with her mother.
As a father, I’m the benchmark for future relationships my daughter will eventually enter. (Who am I kidding, I’m sure she’s already been in relationships. Let’s just move on.) With that carries a pressure to educate through my actions in addition to lessons I teach through dialogue. She’s always watching — the way I speak to my mother, the way I speak to my girlfriend. The affection and attention I give my daughter is subconsciously calculated with the sum being lived out through her own relationships.
I take this responsibility seriously, and throughout the years I’ve gauged how her actions reflect the environment I’ve tried to create. Now that she’s 15, sex has inevitably creeped into our conversations more frequently. And, even though I’m prepared for this, there’s still a part of me that cringes at the thought of even having these conversations. That’s just the truth.
Another truth: it’s risky trusting anyone outside my family to teach my daughter about the nuances of sex. I know she learned about body parts in elementary school, and by Grade 5 she knew what it meant to get her period. I know because we speak about these things, and she tells me her feelings on the subject. (I’ve gotten skilled at bringing these things up casually and making the conversation comfortable.) But there’s a disconnect, whether minor or major, in what values are taught at home and at school.
At school, sex is just another subject. Teachers can break down body parts and give my daughter the science behind her menstrual cycle. They can teach her about the risks of unprotected sex and why it’s important to know her partner. What they can’t teach my daughter is that having a partner can be crappy, and sometimes people who seem interested can just be after one thing.
In many cases, this is no fault of the teacher. Their hands are tied by curriculums, which are irrelevant to the lives kids lead today. Even the most progressive teachers can only go so far without crossing a line the system doesn’t seem ready to embrace — new Ontario sex-ed curriculum notwithstanding.
Parents shouldn’t be afraid to look to alternative outlets to help with messages about sex and sexuality. Sex education has been a contentious issue since I was in grade school. It’s now been amplified by the proliferation of images that can be seen with a simple click, and TV and video content is infused with sex and situations.
What’s a father to do?
I’ll tell you what I’m not doing. I’m not letting my daughter into the world day after day without arming her with enough knowledge to handle these things. And there are several ways to go about doing this. Having casual conversations is one way, for sure. But sometimes you need things to spark these conversations.
Books are a great spark. I always give my daughter books I’ve chosen so we can discuss them afterward. Right now, she’s reading “White Oleander.” For all of you who’ve read this book, you know it’s pretty explicit. My daughter is halfway through the book in less than a week, so I take it she likes it.
This led to a great talk we had the other day on our way to the movies. The first thing she told me about the book was that the mother is “a very sexual person.” I silently clapped in my mind as my daughter went on to explain how she feels about the mother’s actions.
The same spark is possible with movies and TV shows. Is it odd to sit down and watch a sex scene with your daughter? Of course it is. But my goal is to raise an adult, not a child, and so that can be a bit unnerving at times. And I endure it because the lessons to be learned from those clips are too important to pass up. I want to be the main source of education for how my daughter interprets sexual situations but not the only source. Even if I tried, that just isn’t possible.
At the end of the day, my daughter is at school longer than she’s home. She’s with her friends and browsing the Internet looking at who knows what. As I mentioned, there’s value in school administration teaching foundational elements of sexuality. It’s important children learn as early as possible about their bodies, about other’s bodies and about how engaging in sexual activity affects both.
But this type of learning shouldn’t be restricted to formal schooling. There are other organizations effectively creating a unique awareness and understanding of how sex can impact the life of girls and boys.
In Nicaragua, Christian Children’s Fund of Canada (CCFC) is working within the country to start a conversation about an issue rarely discussed at home — reproductive health. In a country where teen pregnancy is a big issue, young people are learning about their bodies and what it would mean to have a baby before they’re physically and emotionally ready. Watch a video about how that’s being received here.
It’s great to connect your child with platforms that align with your values. You won’t get everything from just one source, but by guiding your child to the right sources, you can at least lead them to a healthier interpretation. As a single father, it’s important to have outlets that help my daughter interpret the emotional exuberance and challenges that come when expressing her sexuality.
I say that because within schools, there is — maybe by necessity — only one perspective from which to teach an entire student body. Some higher-ups decide what messages are appropriate and then drip that information down to the teachers. The teachers then pass on a diluted, system-approved idea of sexuality, which may not fit with how I want my daughter to behave.
I want to shoulder those difficult conversations.
CCFC hopes to do the same with the family of youth in communities around the world where the conversation is especially difficult and very different. We can all learn from each other about what it means to support our teens to give them the best chance at a future filled with potential.
CRY
